For those of you who have read my blog, and to the one who has been so gracious in her comments to me, I am grateful. Yes I did create this blog as a venting tool because I do not complain to anyone else. I learned a long time ago that I either did not have nor really wanted to confide in anyone regarding my hurt and feelings of invisibility. My mother would have sided with my husband - my most vivid memories of childhood are of her telling me in various ways that I was not worthy. My mother-in-law often told me and others of her issues with my father-in-law and I knew this was an effort on her part to down grade him in everyone's eyes and I did not want that in my family. I have never wanted anyone to see my husband through my eyes. I wanted him lifted up so that others, especially our children, would see the wonderful things in him and the heights he is capable of reaching. I never wanted his congregation or our church friends to see him for anything other than the godly man he really is.
Given this, however, he is not perfect and I guess I see the things no one else does. It is just this area of "us" that he seems to have so much trouble with - yet he does not see it as trouble. We have talked about this many, many times. Sometimes I think it is just me, and yes I realize I have inferiority issues. I think perhaps I just look for things to get angry about or read things into what he does that are not really there. I have lost a lot of trust in my life but I really do try not to complain, at least until I have the facts straight. Yet there continues to be those times when he reinforces this issue and I feel invisible again.
To answer your other question, yes there are good times - wonderful times in fact and life is good. Like when he will kill a bug for me because he knows I don't like to or when he says that the church only keeps him on so they can keep me. And this past weekend when he surprised me with antique leaded glass doors for my pantry. So you see we do have a good life, I have no desire to end what we have.
I have a couple of friends who are absolutely terrible to their husbands. They complain to everyone about everything and I think that is awful. I don't know why their husbands stay with them let alone treat them with the kindness they do. I was always so afraid in our early years to complain for fear he would leave me, but I suppose I really should have stood my ground way back then and things might be better today.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
What Did The Doctor Say
I went to the doctor last Friday. Just a standand checkup, nothing special. Hubby called me around eleven to see if I was coming into town early enough to have lunch with him. I was not, my appointment was not until 3:30. We did, however, arrange to meet afterwards to buy a new mattress set for one of the guest rooms. I called him from inside the doctor's office to tell him I was just about done, just waiting for the nurse to bring my paperwork and I would be able to leave. He said he was going to leave work early and he would wait for me at the mattress store. As it turns out I arrived first and waited about twenty minutes for him. After we loaded our purchases, we stopped for a very nice dinner. Then we went home, unloaded the truck, cleaned up the room, set up the bed, and went on to bed ourselves.
Sunday night I asked him if he had moved my prescriptions from the doctor, he had and retrieved them for me. Monday I called him and asked if he would pick up a prescription I had filled at the pharmacy, he did and brought it home to me.
My point in blogging all of this is that he has yet to ask me how the appointment went. He has yet to ask me,"What did the doctor say?" The doctor did not tell me anything I didn't already know, nor did anything earth shattering happen. My sugar was up a little bit, we talked about getting cheaper meds, and then we talked about the healthcare plan and how it will affect all of us adversely and that he may be forced to give up his practice. He has been our doctor for a long time and I do not want to loose him. I would like to tell my husband this. I will, but not until he asked if I am alright. Is that too much to ask.
Sunday night I asked him if he had moved my prescriptions from the doctor, he had and retrieved them for me. Monday I called him and asked if he would pick up a prescription I had filled at the pharmacy, he did and brought it home to me.
My point in blogging all of this is that he has yet to ask me how the appointment went. He has yet to ask me,"What did the doctor say?" The doctor did not tell me anything I didn't already know, nor did anything earth shattering happen. My sugar was up a little bit, we talked about getting cheaper meds, and then we talked about the healthcare plan and how it will affect all of us adversely and that he may be forced to give up his practice. He has been our doctor for a long time and I do not want to loose him. I would like to tell my husband this. I will, but not until he asked if I am alright. Is that too much to ask.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Picnic, Labor & Delivery, and the Movie Camera
I should have realized I was not going to be my husband's first priority many years ago when he failed to tell me that he had invited his entire family to our house for a picnic. It was Labor Day and since we both worked, I had to use every possible spare minute to do the housework and take care of my family. It was 9:50a.m. and I was in the basement starting the laundry - excited that I would be able to get it all done the same day. I was just throwing in the first load when hubby came downstairs and asked what I was doing. Duh came to mind initially but I refrained from saying it. When I stated the obvious he then told me that I didn't have time to do that as the family was coming for a picnic - first I had heard about it. I asked when, he said ten. My contribution that day was mustard and ketchup, with a tad bit of anger thrown in.
Just before Thanksgiving I came home from work and started dinner. Hubby had gotten home earlier and told me he had already fixed himself something to eat. To which I calmly said that when I get home I fix dinner, when he gets home he eats. Staying calm is something I have learned over the years even though I am furious or hurt over something he has done and I have learned to pick my battles. He went in to watch TV and I heated up some leftovers. About an hour later he came into the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers leftover and said oh by the way, Linda is at the hospital in labor. Linda is our daughter and this is her first child. He said our son-in-law had called a couple of hours before and they didn't think it was true labor and they probably would not keep her. Therefore, it did not become necessary that he tell me our daughter might be having a baby.
Just before our third child was born, a long time ago, I went shopping to buy my husband a movie camera for Christmas. This was no easy task considering that this was just a few days before I was to deliver, I had two other small children in tow, and I was exhausted from decorating for the holiday as well as getting a room ready for the newborn. I spent more money on this gift than anything I had ever purchased before. I asked him to open his gift first so he could start taking movies right away and he seemed delighted with the gift. That is, until he just had to add that it was a nice camera, not what he would have bought, but nice just the same.
Just before Thanksgiving I came home from work and started dinner. Hubby had gotten home earlier and told me he had already fixed himself something to eat. To which I calmly said that when I get home I fix dinner, when he gets home he eats. Staying calm is something I have learned over the years even though I am furious or hurt over something he has done and I have learned to pick my battles. He went in to watch TV and I heated up some leftovers. About an hour later he came into the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers leftover and said oh by the way, Linda is at the hospital in labor. Linda is our daughter and this is her first child. He said our son-in-law had called a couple of hours before and they didn't think it was true labor and they probably would not keep her. Therefore, it did not become necessary that he tell me our daughter might be having a baby.
Just before our third child was born, a long time ago, I went shopping to buy my husband a movie camera for Christmas. This was no easy task considering that this was just a few days before I was to deliver, I had two other small children in tow, and I was exhausted from decorating for the holiday as well as getting a room ready for the newborn. I spent more money on this gift than anything I had ever purchased before. I asked him to open his gift first so he could start taking movies right away and he seemed delighted with the gift. That is, until he just had to add that it was a nice camera, not what he would have bought, but nice just the same.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Up
I have decided that it is about time I began to share my invisibility issues with you. Now if you are assuming that as a pastor's wife these issues stem from living in his shadow, you would be wrong. It is him - I am invisible to him. I am an after thought at best to the things that go on in his life. There has always been an element of his life that I am left out of. I have not always been told, well, anything, everything, or the truth for that matter. Today I will start with just a very minor incident.
Up is the second movie I gave my husband for Christmas, along with Julie and Julia from my last blog. Why, you say? Why give a catoon movie to an adult. Because Up is my husband. I had seen enough of the movie promos to know the main character was so much like my husband that it was scary. He even looks just like my late father-in-law, who incidentally is appearing more and more frequently shaving in our bathroom mirror everyday. Even our grandchildren who had seen the movie recognized the similarities to their grandfather.
I have heard that grown men have cried watching this movie. The beginning, where the plot is set, is so sweet and endearing that I can certainly see how any self-respecting husband could shed a tear or two. I too became misty eyed as the young boy grows into manhood, finds and marries his one true love, only to loose her before they can complete their life-long dream of travel and adventure. Okay, I cried buckets, but then I am supposed to, I am a woman after all.
Hubby on the other hand remained his usual stern unmoving self. Not a sniffle, not even a sigh. Nothing. No reaching for my hand nor an "I don't know what I would do if I lost you". Nothing. Well not exactly nothing. He did say - "I guess Sally was right". (Sally is a co-worker) He went on to tell me she had watched the movie with her mother and her mother had commented that the old man reminded her of someone but she couldn't quite say who. To which Sally replied that it was (my husband) and her mother said "you're right it is". Cute story right - unless you are me and are wondering how Sally's mother knew my husband well enough to know this.
My only encounter with Sally or her mother was at Sally's wedding and I only remember a handshake in the receiving line. So I asked, and he replied that he had run into them at a resturant when he had gone out to lunch one day. I wonder how you can learn this much about someone in this short time. Lest you think I am reading more into this than it is, there was a hesitation before he explained the lunch story and this is not the first time I have heard that same hesitation. I know, this is a silly story, but I assure you it does get worse. This I could live with - if the same kind of thing had not happened so very many times before.
Up is the second movie I gave my husband for Christmas, along with Julie and Julia from my last blog. Why, you say? Why give a catoon movie to an adult. Because Up is my husband. I had seen enough of the movie promos to know the main character was so much like my husband that it was scary. He even looks just like my late father-in-law, who incidentally is appearing more and more frequently shaving in our bathroom mirror everyday. Even our grandchildren who had seen the movie recognized the similarities to their grandfather.
I have heard that grown men have cried watching this movie. The beginning, where the plot is set, is so sweet and endearing that I can certainly see how any self-respecting husband could shed a tear or two. I too became misty eyed as the young boy grows into manhood, finds and marries his one true love, only to loose her before they can complete their life-long dream of travel and adventure. Okay, I cried buckets, but then I am supposed to, I am a woman after all.
Hubby on the other hand remained his usual stern unmoving self. Not a sniffle, not even a sigh. Nothing. No reaching for my hand nor an "I don't know what I would do if I lost you". Nothing. Well not exactly nothing. He did say - "I guess Sally was right". (Sally is a co-worker) He went on to tell me she had watched the movie with her mother and her mother had commented that the old man reminded her of someone but she couldn't quite say who. To which Sally replied that it was (my husband) and her mother said "you're right it is". Cute story right - unless you are me and are wondering how Sally's mother knew my husband well enough to know this.
My only encounter with Sally or her mother was at Sally's wedding and I only remember a handshake in the receiving line. So I asked, and he replied that he had run into them at a resturant when he had gone out to lunch one day. I wonder how you can learn this much about someone in this short time. Lest you think I am reading more into this than it is, there was a hesitation before he explained the lunch story and this is not the first time I have heard that same hesitation. I know, this is a silly story, but I assure you it does get worse. This I could live with - if the same kind of thing had not happened so very many times before.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Julia And Julie
I have watched the movie Julia and Julie about four times now. I think it will be one of those movies I can watch over and over - like You've Got Mail. Maybe that is why I started this blog, not so much that I have anything relevant to say but that I have to say it. I have to vent, release, write, and let it all out before I explode. So maybe someday, perhaps long after I am gone, someone will stumble on this blog and say "Wow, did this woman have something to say" and turn it into a book. Alas, someone else will become rich and famous because I have chosen to be so anonymous that so far no one has even found this, let alone contacted me with encouragement or acknowledgment.
I find that I have a lot in common with the Julie character. I love to cook and I love to write but I have not done much with it in the course of my lifetime. My older sister is a Ph.D. My younger sisters, again a topic for another day, got all my mother's attention. So I, the typical middle child, learned very early that I was invisible and how to hide in everyone else's shadow.
So, while I have no desire to cook my way through Julia's cookbook, I will content myself to a few words here and there, words of cheer or anger depending on the day, but therapy for me just the same.
I find that I have a lot in common with the Julie character. I love to cook and I love to write but I have not done much with it in the course of my lifetime. My older sister is a Ph.D. My younger sisters, again a topic for another day, got all my mother's attention. So I, the typical middle child, learned very early that I was invisible and how to hide in everyone else's shadow.
So, while I have no desire to cook my way through Julia's cookbook, I will content myself to a few words here and there, words of cheer or anger depending on the day, but therapy for me just the same.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
My Ties To The Groundhog - February 2, 2010
Today is Groundhog's Day. It is nearly five and I do not know if the little guy saw his shadow or not, whether we will have six more weeks of winter or not. I do know it is cold today and I would not blame anyone or anything who did not want to crawl out of a nice warm hole to give the weather report.
I am not sure I like this day, it is after all the birthday of an old high school girl friend of my husband - who incidentially looks very much like an old groundhog, but I digress. It is also the anniversary, ten years ago today, that I broke my leg. I was doing a good deed - carrying out the trash at church so no one else would have to do it. I had almost managed to drag the very heavy trash can to the road when I slipped on the ice and went tumbling into the ditch. I remember thinking as I was attempting to crawl out that if anyone asked me if I saw my shadow I was just going to scream. After much tugging and pulling and help from hubby and a passerby I managed, in a very unladylike manner, to flop into the back seat of our car and off the hospital we went. They took x-rays, gave me a prescription for pain, wrapped my leg in one of those long, splinted elastic thingys and sent me and my two broken bones on our merry little way. I was sure this was no big deal because they didn't even put it in a cast. It would be a year exactly - to the day - after wheelchairs, crutches, canes, a whole lot of pain, and the constant reminder from my twelve year old looking doctor that I was not as young as I used to be, before I would be released from medical care.
I have not volunteered to take out the trash since.
I am not sure I like this day, it is after all the birthday of an old high school girl friend of my husband - who incidentially looks very much like an old groundhog, but I digress. It is also the anniversary, ten years ago today, that I broke my leg. I was doing a good deed - carrying out the trash at church so no one else would have to do it. I had almost managed to drag the very heavy trash can to the road when I slipped on the ice and went tumbling into the ditch. I remember thinking as I was attempting to crawl out that if anyone asked me if I saw my shadow I was just going to scream. After much tugging and pulling and help from hubby and a passerby I managed, in a very unladylike manner, to flop into the back seat of our car and off the hospital we went. They took x-rays, gave me a prescription for pain, wrapped my leg in one of those long, splinted elastic thingys and sent me and my two broken bones on our merry little way. I was sure this was no big deal because they didn't even put it in a cast. It would be a year exactly - to the day - after wheelchairs, crutches, canes, a whole lot of pain, and the constant reminder from my twelve year old looking doctor that I was not as young as I used to be, before I would be released from medical care.
I have not volunteered to take out the trash since.
Friday, January 29, 2010
An Old Truck
My husband's SUV started to break down about four months ago. He drove it for awhile but finally decided it was time to get a new vehicle - so he took mine. The SUV has been sitting in the back pretty much for four months, it still runs and he takes it out every now and then just to keep the battery charged. He wanted to make sure it would still run when he got around to buying a used truck, which is what he has wanted for sometime, and he was going to trade this in on it.
Last weekend we went truck shopping. He stopped at one dealership and looked at a pretty gray truck, it was okay but he didn't even bother to go inside and check on the details. We went to another dealership, then another, then another, and passed up a few more because they didn't look trustworthy. He finally stopped at one and found a burgundy colored Dodge, slightly bigger than he wanted. He did the usual walking around and kicking the tires bit, peered in the windows, checked out this and that and even managed to talk to the dealer who said he had a few more coming in on Wednesday. So he got back in the car and we came home.
Wednesday came and he took a half day off work and we went back to the dealer where he didn't even bother to look at the trucks that had just been brought in. He took a test drive in the burgundy one and said this is what I want and made arrangements to come back on Thursday to pick it up. Thursday came and we made the trip to take care of the finances and pick up the truck. The actual time spent buying this particular truck was less than half an hour. So basically I have been without transportation during the day for four months and it took half an hour to buy a truck. Why now, why actually do what he has talked about doing for so long - because some things are coming up where I need a car and he was going to be inconvenienced by not having a car during the day - even though I could have taken him to work, come home, done what I needed to do - gone back and picked him up (a 70 mile round trip) and bring him back home - which is what I have had to do for four months if I needed to keep the car. And also because my car is now in serious need of repair and he couldn't get that work done until HE had a dependable vehicle.
So Monday I will go to my appointment and then make arrangements to have the car repaired in time to go to another appointment on Friday. And the SUV, it is still in the back yard because this dealership does not take trade-in. Now he has decided he's going to get it fixed also, because it would be nice to have a four-wheel drive for when the roads are bad. And the newly purchased truck - the check engine light came on during the ride home!
Last weekend we went truck shopping. He stopped at one dealership and looked at a pretty gray truck, it was okay but he didn't even bother to go inside and check on the details. We went to another dealership, then another, then another, and passed up a few more because they didn't look trustworthy. He finally stopped at one and found a burgundy colored Dodge, slightly bigger than he wanted. He did the usual walking around and kicking the tires bit, peered in the windows, checked out this and that and even managed to talk to the dealer who said he had a few more coming in on Wednesday. So he got back in the car and we came home.
Wednesday came and he took a half day off work and we went back to the dealer where he didn't even bother to look at the trucks that had just been brought in. He took a test drive in the burgundy one and said this is what I want and made arrangements to come back on Thursday to pick it up. Thursday came and we made the trip to take care of the finances and pick up the truck. The actual time spent buying this particular truck was less than half an hour. So basically I have been without transportation during the day for four months and it took half an hour to buy a truck. Why now, why actually do what he has talked about doing for so long - because some things are coming up where I need a car and he was going to be inconvenienced by not having a car during the day - even though I could have taken him to work, come home, done what I needed to do - gone back and picked him up (a 70 mile round trip) and bring him back home - which is what I have had to do for four months if I needed to keep the car. And also because my car is now in serious need of repair and he couldn't get that work done until HE had a dependable vehicle.
So Monday I will go to my appointment and then make arrangements to have the car repaired in time to go to another appointment on Friday. And the SUV, it is still in the back yard because this dealership does not take trade-in. Now he has decided he's going to get it fixed also, because it would be nice to have a four-wheel drive for when the roads are bad. And the newly purchased truck - the check engine light came on during the ride home!
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