Is This My Playboy Photo Shoot?

I went looking for myself this other day. I googled midohiopw just to see what I could find. Imagine my surprise when I found that I could be googled. They asked if I really meant mid ohio. I thought, "of course not, I know what I meant!" There were three pages of "hits" and most of them were for this blog. However, there was one that caught my eye. It was a forum and they were talking about my blog. I was surprised, I was flattered. Me, little old me, a source of interest to others. They started out talking about how sad my blog was, how I did not have a marriage, how my husband should not be a pastor, and how they suspected he must be hiding something more. Then something happened, they turned on me. They could not understand how I could air my dirty linen in public, how I could just put out there the intimate details of my distress. Some mentioned that they were from a different generation and they would never discuss things like this in public. I was hurt.

Someone mentioned that the younger generation was posting naked pictures of themselves on cell phones. Someone else remembered that I am a grandmother. Another one laughed and wondered if grandmothers were now posting naked pictures of themselves - and who would ever want one.

So in an effort to thank those on that forum for reading me and explain why I do this, I will attempt to explain why I post the intimate details on this blog, why I need to post on this blog. I have no one - absolutely no one (short of paying a hundred dollars an hour) who I can talk to about this. I have no best friend, no close friends, no family I want to confide in, no one to talk to about any of this. I have mentioned before that I do not want to ruin my husband's ministry, nor his relationship with our children or anyone in our family. I would not confide in anyone even if I could. That is not my intention.

Yes, I have talked to my husband about this - many times. He listens, he does not understand. I do not know how to make him understand. He needs to talk to someone. He needs to have someone other than me tell him how I hurt. He does not see it. He does not see the need. His desires are so low that it is hard for him to see that others have stronger needs. I do not think he is hiding anything - he is not having a physical affair - I am not in denial about this. I understand he confides in his coworker, his emotional affair, and is much more considerate of her than me. I hurt because of this, maybe as much as if he were having a physical affair. I am biding my time, only a few more months and he will be retired and away from her. I feel we can start anew. We have more good times than bad. I will not leave my husband. I am not a martyr.

That said, I write this blog as total release. We have all read about people who have been hurt and then go out to pose for Playboy or some such magazine. Apparently posing nude brings validation and cleasing to some people. Personally I can't see this. How can exposing your naked body to the eyes of everyone (do they not realize their fathers might see this) be an acceptable release for anyone. And, if you were to see me you would immediately say "thank God she writes instead of posing nude". But then how many of you have a good enough body to even think about nude pictures. So writing becomes my posing nude. Aren't you glad.

I have tried to do this with as much anonymity as possible so that no one knows who I am, or who my husband is. I do this for my sanity. It has been a great comfort to me. It has enabled me to release the little things and sort out the big things that are wrong in my life. Some of you have helped me enormously and have also walked in my shoes. I sincerely hope you understand and continue to read, but will understand if I am too personal for some of you. I pray you have a husband who understands and works on making changes where they are needed. I pray you understand when he wants you to change. Mostly I pray than no one has to walk as I do, never feeling good enough, loved enough, or cherished as God intended. I pray you have a "and the two shall become one" kind of marriage.

You Might Be Surprised

With all the complaining and venting I have done on this blog, you might be surprised to know that for the most part I like my life. I am contented. I have more good times and peace than bad times and anxiety. I like the material things that I have but especially that I are not encumbered by material things. I like my house, the cars, I have more than enough clothes and that I buy them for comfort and not for style. I even like the dog though I am less a dog person than she is a person dog. I love my children and the grandchildren. I love nothing more than having my entire family around the dinner table so that I can just hear them. I love the laughter, the joy, and the blessing of just having them near. I love my husband. Surprised? I do, I really, really do. He is a wonderful man. He brings me profound happiness - most of the time.

He thinks we are fine. He thinks that because he does not have physical needs, I don't either. He says he does not realize that he tenses up just slightly when we touch. He will touch me and snuggle with me but does not know that he touches me with qualifications. He will hold me around the middle but not allow his hands to go up or down to more intimate areas and if they do, he moves away quickly. He will not allow me to touch him - grabbing my hands if they appear to be headed toward his protected parts - not realizing I have not headed in that direction for many years. He is very attentive in public, but stops abruptly when we are alone. He does not think that his not confiding in me is a problem. He thinks keeping things from me is okay. He thinks its okay for me to find out things second hand or not at all. He will share his money with me if I ask, I never ask, but I do not have access to it on my own. He pays his bills, I pay mine. I could give you stories but I am sure you get the picture.

I have learned to go without. I accept what he gives me. I try not to complain too much - mainly because I have realized after all these years that we have had this same conversation a thousand times, that we will have this same conversation again, and again. If he has not changed by this time, I do not know how to change him. I can only change myself.

At the moment things are pretty normal. He is okay. I am not. We fought this week, he said he was sorry - that he did not realized he hurt me - that he did not intend to hurt me - that he would not hurt me for the world. Yet he does. He will again. Nothing will change.

Comments, I Finally Have Comments

For those of you who have read my blog, and to the one who has been so gracious in her comments to me, I am grateful. Yes I did create this blog as a venting tool because I do not complain to anyone else. I learned a long time ago that I either did not have nor really wanted to confide in anyone regarding my hurt and feelings of invisibility. My mother would have sided with my husband - my most vivid memories of childhood are of her telling me in various ways that I was not worthy. My mother-in-law often told me and others of her issues with my father-in-law and I knew this was an effort on her part to down grade him in everyone's eyes and I did not want that in my family. I have never wanted anyone to see my husband through my eyes. I wanted him lifted up so that others, especially our children, would see the wonderful things in him and the heights he is capable of reaching. I never wanted his congregation or our church friends to see him for anything other than the godly man he really is.

Given this, however, he is not perfect and I guess I see the things no one else does. It is just this area of "us" that he seems to have so much trouble with - yet he does not see it as trouble. We have talked about this many, many times. Sometimes I think it is just me, and yes I realize I have inferiority issues. I think perhaps I just look for things to get angry about or read things into what he does that are not really there. I have lost a lot of trust in my life but I really do try not to complain, at least until I have the facts straight. Yet there continues to be those times when he reinforces this issue and I feel invisible again.

To answer your other question, yes there are good times - wonderful times in fact and life is good. Like when he will kill a bug for me because he knows I don't like to or when he says that the church only keeps him on so they can keep me. And this past weekend when he surprised me with antique leaded glass doors for my pantry. So you see we do have a good life, I have no desire to end what we have.

I have a couple of friends who are absolutely terrible to their husbands. They complain to everyone about everything and I think that is awful. I don't know why their husbands stay with them let alone treat them with the kindness they do. I was always so afraid in our early years to complain for fear he would leave me, but I suppose I really should have stood my ground way back then and things might be better today.

What Did The Doctor Say

I went to the doctor last Friday. Just a standand checkup, nothing special. Hubby called me around eleven to see if I was coming into town early enough to have lunch with him. I was not, my appointment was not until 3:30. We did, however, arrange to meet afterwards to buy a new mattress set for one of the guest rooms. I called him from inside the doctor's office to tell him I was just about done, just waiting for the nurse to bring my paperwork and I would be able to leave. He said he was going to leave work early and he would wait for me at the mattress store. As it turns out I arrived first and waited about twenty minutes for him. After we loaded our purchases, we stopped for a very nice dinner. Then we went home, unloaded the truck, cleaned up the room, set up the bed, and went on to bed ourselves.

Sunday night I asked him if he had moved my prescriptions from the doctor, he had and retrieved them for me. Monday I called him and asked if he would pick up a prescription I had filled at the pharmacy, he did and brought it home to me.

My point in blogging all of this is that he has yet to ask me how the appointment went. He has yet to ask me,"What did the doctor say?" The doctor did not tell me anything I didn't already know, nor did anything earth shattering happen. My sugar was up a little bit, we talked about getting cheaper meds, and then we talked about the healthcare plan and how it will affect all of us adversely and that he may be forced to give up his practice. He has been our doctor for a long time and I do not want to loose him. I would like to tell my husband this. I will, but not until he asked if I am alright. Is that too much to ask.

The Picnic, Labor & Delivery, and the Movie Camera

I should have realized I was not going to be my husband's first priority many years ago when he failed to tell me that he had invited his entire family to our house for a picnic. It was Labor Day and since we both worked, I had to use every possible spare minute to do the housework and take care of my family. It was 9:50a.m. and I was in the basement starting the laundry - excited that I would be able to get it all done the same day. I was just throwing in the first load when hubby came downstairs and asked what I was doing. Duh came to mind initially but I refrained from saying it. When I stated the obvious he then told me that I didn't have time to do that as the family was coming for a picnic - first I had heard about it. I asked when, he said ten. My contribution that day was mustard and ketchup, with a tad bit of anger thrown in.

Just before Thanksgiving I came home from work and started dinner. Hubby had gotten home earlier and told me he had already fixed himself something to eat. To which I calmly said that when I get home I fix dinner, when he gets home he eats. Staying calm is something I have learned over the years even though I am furious or hurt over something he has done and I have learned to pick my battles. He went in to watch TV and I heated up some leftovers. About an hour later he came into the kitchen to see if there were any leftovers leftover and said oh by the way, Linda is at the hospital in labor. Linda is our daughter and this is her first child. He said our son-in-law had called a couple of hours before and they didn't think it was true labor and they probably would not keep her. Therefore, it did not become necessary that he tell me our daughter might be having a baby.

Just before our third child was born, a long time ago, I went shopping to buy my husband a movie camera for Christmas. This was no easy task considering that this was just a few days before I was to deliver, I had two other small children in tow, and I was exhausted from decorating for the holiday as well as getting a room ready for the newborn. I spent more money on this gift than anything I had ever purchased before. I asked him to open his gift first so he could start taking movies right away and he seemed delighted with the gift. That is, until he just had to add that it was a nice camera, not what he would have bought, but nice just the same.

Up

I have decided that it is about time I began to share my invisibility issues with you. Now if you are assuming that as a pastor's wife these issues stem from living in his shadow, you would be wrong. It is him - I am invisible to him. I am an after thought at best to the things that go on in his life. There has always been an element of his life that I am left out of. I have not always been told, well, anything, everything, or the truth for that matter. Today I will start with just a very minor incident.

Up is the second movie I gave my husband for Christmas, along with Julie and Julia from my last blog. Why, you say? Why give a catoon movie to an adult. Because Up is my husband. I had seen enough of the movie promos to know the main character was so much like my husband that it was scary. He even looks just like my late father-in-law, who incidentally is appearing more and more frequently shaving in our bathroom mirror everyday. Even our grandchildren who had seen the movie recognized the similarities to their grandfather.

I have heard that grown men have cried watching this movie. The beginning, where the plot is set, is so sweet and endearing that I can certainly see how any self-respecting husband could shed a tear or two. I too became misty eyed as the young boy grows into manhood, finds and marries his one true love, only to loose her before they can complete their life-long dream of travel and adventure. Okay, I cried buckets, but then I am supposed to, I am a woman after all.

Hubby on the other hand remained his usual stern unmoving self. Not a sniffle, not even a sigh. Nothing. No reaching for my hand nor an "I don't know what I would do if I lost you". Nothing. Well not exactly nothing. He did say - "I guess Sally was right". (Sally is a co-worker) He went on to tell me she had watched the movie with her mother and her mother had commented that the old man reminded her of someone but she couldn't quite say who. To which Sally replied that it was (my husband) and her mother said "you're right it is". Cute story right - unless you are me and are wondering how Sally's mother knew my husband well enough to know this.

My only encounter with Sally or her mother was at Sally's wedding and I only remember a handshake in the receiving line. So I asked, and he replied that he had run into them at a resturant when he had gone out to lunch one day. I wonder how you can learn this much about someone in this short time. Lest you think I am reading more into this than it is, there was a hesitation before he explained the lunch story and this is not the first time I have heard that same hesitation. I know, this is a silly story, but I assure you it does get worse. This I could live with - if the same kind of thing had not happened so very many times before.

Julia And Julie

I have watched the movie Julia and Julie about four times now. I think it will be one of those movies I can watch over and over - like You've Got Mail. Maybe that is why I started this blog, not so much that I have anything relevant to say but that I have to say it. I have to vent, release, write, and let it all out before I explode. So maybe someday, perhaps long after I am gone, someone will stumble on this blog and say "Wow, did this woman have something to say" and turn it into a book. Alas, someone else will become rich and famous because I have chosen to be so anonymous that so far no one has even found this, let alone contacted me with encouragement or acknowledgment.

I find that I have a lot in common with the Julie character. I love to cook and I love to write but I have not done much with it in the course of my lifetime. My older sister is a Ph.D. My younger sisters, again a topic for another day, got all my mother's attention. So I, the typical middle child, learned very early that I was invisible and how to hide in everyone else's shadow.

So, while I have no desire to cook my way through Julia's cookbook, I will content myself to a few words here and there, words of cheer or anger depending on the day, but therapy for me just the same.