Snow.....

I think I remember that grass is green, flowers bloom, and little birdies sing outside my window. However, those memories are beginning to fade. There is snow on the ground here in beautiful downtown Ohio, about six inches now. I know that may not seem very much to some folks, but we have had snow almost since the first of December. We got more snow in December than we have ever had. I think the same maybe true for January. I like snow - don't like to drive in it - but it is pretty, almost serene.

It is also cold, may get down to zero tonight. I have not been warm since, again the first of December. I have cabin fever - cause, after all, who wants to go out in this mess.

We have a really good snow cleaning crew in our town. They start about 3:00 am to clean the roads. They start with our road, the one about ten feet from our second floor bedroom window. They make a second run about 3:15 am. Again at 3:30 am. By 6:00 am, when hubby gets up to go to work, they have been past about seven times and hubby has had about four hours of sound sleep.

Hubby likes to shovel the snow, why I am not sure. He is the oldest man on our street and the only one who cleans his walk. Last night he brought home a new curved handle snow shovel, to replace the one he has already worn out this winter. He has two small snow blowers in the back, but does not use them, they do not clean well enough.

In general, winter is not my thing. I do not enjoy being out in the cold. I do not build snowmen. I don't throw snowballs. The crunch of walking in snow reminds me of crunching bones. There is about three feet of shoveled snow in my small flower bed - no tulips, no iris, no roses, just snow, lots and lots of snow.

So for now I will sit inside by the fire, wrapped in my favorite blanket, write silly blogs on my laptop, and wait for Spring - glorious Spring.

Never Having To Say A Word

Hubby and I had breakfast yesterday with my sister, brother-in-law, and uncle. It is quickly obvious that hubby and I are unnecessary to the conversation, we are just there as filler. Although we live closer to my uncle, we rarely see him and his wife (who was absent from yesterday's meeting) unless we have been invited by my sister to tag along.

My uncle (my late father's oldest sibling) is 89 years old. He still drives, has a enormous circle of friends, and holds down a full-time job. My sister is also the oldest in our family, drives the sick and needy to appointments, has an enormous circle of friends, and, though retired, still does consulting work. They are the most educated members of our very large, extended family. Uncle is short twelve hours of having his doctorate. I do not know when his finished his college education but I would assume it was somewhere just past WWII, which he served in, because he says Uncle Sam paid for his education. My sister, who does have a doctorate, mentioned that she could teach him the classes necessary for those twelve hours.

Breakfast, at a local restaurant, lasted about two hours. It was two hours of an "I can top that" kind of conversation between uncle, sister, and brother-in-law. Hubby and I just sat back, ate, and did our "filler" job as best we could since we are not college educated, well-traveled, nor do we have an enormous circle of friends (and certainly none we could name drop). It was two hours of "I had dinner last night with my friend, who is a relative of Woody Hayes"; "at a party for my son-in-law, who is retiring from the military as a Colonel"; "as I said to Rudy Giuliani"; "on my last trip to Hawaii"; "when I was in Russia"; "my grandson's college graduation"; "I was seated next to Menachem Begin"; "I had just built a million dollar building when I sold the business"; "I'm having trouble finding the part I need for my antique car". Getting the picture?

I love my sister, and I love my uncle, but I am not a competitive person. I have accomplishments too - maybe none they would think worthy of entering into their conversations - but certainly monumental to me. I travel, on weekend getaways with hubby, vacations with family and friends, hospital visits to the sick and dying. I've even been to Hawaii, where I visited with a foreign ambassador and his family in their home. I have grandchildren in college. I have a granddaughter in high school taking college classes. I have two grandchildren in junior high taking high school classes. I have grandchildren in the honor society. I have grandchildren in the gifted and talented program. I have a grandson just out of the Army - not an officer, just a wounded and decorated corporal, who woke up one night with an Iraqi soldier standing over him ready to plunge a knife into him, who was shot seven times, who had three separate head wounds from mortar attacks. I also have a grandson who is a lost soul, with brain trauma from too many diabetic seizures, who will never be a rocket scientist, who will probably never hold a decent job, but a soul we are grateful to still have with us. I also have a granddaughter who probably will be a rocket scientist someday. I have a daughter who is a nurse, caring and delightful to be around. I have a son who has built homes for the poor and needy. I have a daughter who takes beautiful pictures, and another one who bakes pretty cakes for weddings and birthday parties. I have a husband who preaches wonderful sermons, performs weddings, and will probably preach the funeral of this very same uncle - someday.

So, while my life may not seem interesting to them, I am accomplished in a way that is more than satisfying to me. I do not have to announce my triumphs to the world - or to my family, I think they already know.

I Do Not Take Criticism Well

I'm back. Not that I have been away much this summer but I am back to blogging again. I admit I was put off because some people criticized me for complaining about my husband and his lack of bedroom needs. To them I will say, put yourself in my sheets and tell me how you would feel if your spouse never wanted you and you went to sleep night after night wondering why. Well I am now over my mad spell and will get back to doing what I started this blog for in the first place.

This blog meets my needs. It is like when your therapist tells you to write a letter to the person who has hurt you. You never mail the letter but the release you feel is overwhelming. I can pour out my heart in this "letter", my husband never sees it, and I can go about my life in a somewhat normal manner. It enables me. It enables me in lots of ways. Number one it keeps me faithful to my wedding vows - how many of you can say that. How many people who have been neglected by their spouses stay faithful. Not many I would guess.

However, for those of you who have complained, I will let you know that my summer has been fairly pleasant. My husband has been better - not so much physically but supportive and caring. That also could explain my lack of having to blog lately. He seems to like to be with me more and even snuggles up close me. This I can live with. It was the won't that bothered me much more than the can't.

So for now I plan to blog more about good times but I do reserve the right to vent when venting is necessary. I hope that pleases everyone.

If You Always Do What You Have Always Done

Then you always get what you've always got. That a favorite saying of my husband. Too bad he doesn't apply it to us. US is a funny word for US, I think. US is when there are two people who are supposed to be united as one, I think. So how do I get HIM to realize there is supposed to be an US. WE have a problem, WE wanted to work on it. WE have been looking for solutions. WE have been waiting and searching and hoping for nearly two years now. WE have not found a solution. Why? Because HE is okay with "always doing what WE have always done". I am not. HE is uncomfortable talking about it - to me or anyone else, medical or psychological. I am tired of waiting to become an US. I am tired of sleepless (on my part) nights. I am tired of not being considered as important enough to be considered. I am tired - just plain tired. I want to tell him so. I want to give him an ultimatum. I want to say that We no longer have a problem because WE have done all WE can do. I want to let HIM know that now it is time for HIM to act or I will. I want to say that I am tired of not having my needs met and if HE is not willing to realize that while HE is content, I am not then I will make other arrangements. I want to tell him I am moving into MY own room and it will remain MINE until HE decides HE wants there to be an US. Is this too much to ask?

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Okay, so summer has not offically begun yet, but I have just returned from my summer vacation. At least, as far as anyone can know, the biggest trip I will take this year. As I write this, I am also doing laundry. I am washing the sand out of my beach shoes, underwear, socks, and the forty-seven yards of material I call my bathing suit. When this is done, I should have enough earth to repot a redwood tree.

We spent seven glorious days overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. We had a lovely three story house, eight bedrooms, eight and half bathrooms, game room, theater room, kitchen/dining room/living room combination overlooking sand dunes, hot tub, swimming pool, beautiful sunrises, wild horses, pelicans, and dolphins playing in water that stretched farther than the eye can see. And, except for the two days I slept through when I took a super duper pain pill, I was in Heaven. I was with family, I had nothing to do except sit back, read, swim, cook occasionally, and watch three of my beautiful grandchildren as they played and were completely engrossed in this great adventure. I was sure this would be the perfect vacation.

I did not, however, take into consideration there would be a trip back home. I had forgotten that, unlike our trip there, our return trip would be solo, without the benefit of our son-in-law driving in front of us leading the way. Hubby decided the twelve hour drive there was at least partially responsible for my back pain so he decided we should leave a day early and make the return trip in two days and avoid having to sit in the car for so long. Thankfully he had the foresight to get maps to follow on our return so that we did not have to rely on the GPS system the aforementioned son-in-law so graciously loaned us before we left and everyone knows you can't trust a GPS.

The return trip started just about noon. Our first stop was approximately six and half miles from the beach house where hubby spent a good half hour picking up maps of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. Since we had only traveled through North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and about a hundred miles of our home state of Ohio, I assumed our route would simply reverse in order to get us back home, but the maps were free and you never know when you are going to need a good map. I settled back, popped in a book on tape, and prepared to enjoy a pleasant trip home.

Along about the fifty mile point, a lovely voice from the GPS interrupted my solitude. Freeway entrance to the right in two miles. Prepare for slight right turn onto freeway in one point five miles. Right turn onto freeway in point five miles. Ding, which indicated the turning point, ding, ding, DING, DING, DING, prepare for legal u-turn at next available point. Legal u-turn in point five miles. Prepare for legal u-turn - ding, ding, DING, DING, DING. Recalculating, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING. Prepare for freeway entrance on right in sixty-seven, point five miles.

Is a picture beginning to form? Are you understanding how the return trip was beginning. Unfortunately the GPS was not programmed to read the route hubby had made on the maps. Lovely voiced GPS was only programmed for the quickest route home. Traveling on two lane roads (one lane each way, not two in the same direction) is a far better way to travel if you want to see small town America and places called Dismal Swamp. Day one passed quickly enough once we hit a northern route and managed to find our way to a Holiday Inn in Charlottesville, Virginia. Holiday Inns, thank goodness, are gracious enough to allow dogs so hubby elected to pay the $130 nightly fee verses the $49 rates on the coupons we had for other pet loving establishments because, after all, what can you get for $49 a night?????

On this first day of travel we had eaten only a big mac, saving our appetites for a seafood dinner in the evening. So, needless to say, we were pretty hungry after our long drive and after checking in we drove off seeking a place for fish of the highest quality. Not wanting to go too far, lest we be unable to find our way home - even with lovely voiced GPS, which I am told you can program to find eating establishments and find your way back, we drove around for about an hour and a half before we settled on a little hole-in-the-wall Chinese eatery in the midst of a strip mall just outside downtown Charlottesville. To their credit the food was good, but at that point I think even shoe leather would have satisfied us.

Day two took us around the corner from the hotel to a Waffle House and a very nice breakfast. We even ran into some people from near our hometown and found one of the men actually worked with hubby. Small world we all said. Back in the car, we plugged in lovely voiced GPS and got out all the maps. Since hubby had decided to take the 100 mile Skyline Drive, lovely voiced GPS gave up about midway of the trek and just sat back and enjoyed the ride along with us. It was a beautiful ride, three hours if you drive straight through, five hours if you stop at every overlook, lodge, and gift shop. Hubby drove about sixty miles and decided he was tired so I took over and given the fact that there is basically only one way on and one way off, I wouldn't need the maps so he fell asleep. I used this time to learn what I could from lovely voiced GPS and figured out just exactly how she worked.

Hubby woke up as we were exiting the parkway and immediately pulled out hard to read, impossible to fold maps and proceeded to tell me what route to take. Fortunately at this point HTR,ITF maps coincided with lovely voiced GPS and I found it quite easy to drive and managed to get on the north freeway just fine. It was about thirty miles into this drive that our two directional instruments parted ways but hubby insisted the map way was the best way so to keep peace in the family, I ignored lovely voiced GPS, and for the next kazillion miles I ignored lovely voiced GPS. Turn here, ding, right off freeway here, ding, make a u-turn here, ding. It was at this point that I realized my husband was a right angle man. You go north as far as you can go then you make a right angle turn and go west as far as you can, then a right angle here and a right angle there until you reach your point of destination. There is nothing diagonal about this man. I did sort of wonder why the car direction finder said northeast when I, even blond rooted me, knew we wanted to go northwest.

Several hours into this leg of the journey that was never going to end, hubby declared we should soon be arriving in Pennsylvania where we would hit route 70 west. We would then travel about sixty miles in PA, about four miles in West Virginia, then Ohio at last - long last. "Look, up ahead, there is the state line, we should be home in about three hours". I was grateful. Once we got on route 70 I was sure I could relax knowing I would be home soon. The state line was coming up, I was so happy, home, soon. Closer, closer, Pennsylvania was just about second best to being in Ohio. Welcome, it said, we hope you enjoy your stay, it said, in Maryland. MARYLAND. MARYLAND. How in the world, with lovely voiced GPS and hard to read, impossible to fold maps did we manage to get to Maryland.

I had driven us to Maryland, why? I glanced at lovely voiced GPS and I could swear I saw tears. Hubby was shuffling maps, looking perplexed. He finally decided it was because he had too many maps. Looking at each state map individually had confused him. He should have had a general map that covered all the states we were to travel, then we wouldn't have made this mistake. WE? WE? Was he including me in this error? If lovely voiced GPS could have, I am sure she would have sighed at this point.

It was now nearing five o'clock. We had not eaten since breakfast. I was hungry. Husband said he was hungry and if I saw somewhere I wanted to stop, just let him know. At this point, even though we had managed to stumble onto route 70 west, I was afraid to turn over the reigns and let him drive because I would then become the navigator and all the errors would be on my shoulders. So I kept driving and said maybe we could stop in Pennsylvania (I have a sister in Pennsylvania and knew if we got terribly lost, I could always call her). However, I remarked, we had never eaten in Maryland. So I drove, on and on I drove. Across Maryland and onto the Pennsylvania turnpike. I got the ticket from the toll booth and drove. I drove until we had to stop for gas. Hubby decided we could get something light and stop for a meal once we crossed over into Ohio. So how far could that be. He had said about sixty miles in Pennsylvania and four in West Virginia, so maybe an hour. Hubby got a slice of pizza. Hubby eats pizza with a knife and fork. So how well do you think he can drive with a slice of pizza and a knife and fork. So I got a six inch folded over kind of italian thing that I could hold in one hand and I got back behind the wheel, knowing I could eat and drive at the same time.

I pulled back onto the turnpike, hubby got out his pizza, knife, and fork and began to eat. Foolish me for thinking he could at least open my sandwich for me as I have done for him all these many years. You can cut the sandwich in half if you like, I said. Nothing. I only want half the sandwich, the other half is for you, I said. Nothing. Finally, after about ten minutes, he cut off a bite of pizza and reached over and popped it in my mouth (again, at this point even shoe leather would have worked). When he offered me another bite of pizza (about ten minutes later) I said no. He asked why. I said the pizza was what he wanted, I wanted the sandwich. Now if you are wondering why I didn't just reach over and take the sandwich myself, it was on his side of the car, out of my reach and I had decided he was apparently going to eat first, take over the driving, and let me eat. Wrong. He ate about half his pizza, then pulled out the sandwich and began to cut it into bite size pieces which he then proceeded to feed to me, bite by bite. After about three bites, I told him that was enough. I would wait until we stopped to eat in Ohio, perhaps for that special seafood meal we had missed the night before.

By now we had been driving in Pennsylvania for about forty minutes, we must be getting close by now. How much farther I asked. Well, he said, we only had about sixty miles so we must be getting close. Out came the maps, measuring, calculating, folding, refolding, deep sighing (that was me). Ten minutes later he looked up, sheepishly, and said "I think I miscalculated. We have further to go than I thought."

So, it turns out we had 170 miles in Pennsylvania and about sixty in West Virginia. Hungrily, I drove on. I drove until we crossed over into Ohio - where our car pretty much could be set on auto pilot to get us home and I let hubby take over.

So our two day trip to make things easier for me ended up being eighteen hours of driving and 817 miles opposed to the 655 the trip there had taken. We arrived home around ten pm, about four hours later than our daughter's family did leaving a day later than we did. And, by the way, we never did stop to eat and I am still waiting for that fancy seafood meal.

Is This My Playboy Photo Shoot?

I went looking for myself this other day. I googled midohiopw just to see what I could find. Imagine my surprise when I found that I could be googled. They asked if I really meant mid ohio. I thought, "of course not, I know what I meant!" There were three pages of "hits" and most of them were for this blog. However, there was one that caught my eye. It was a forum and they were talking about my blog. I was surprised, I was flattered. Me, little old me, a source of interest to others. They started out talking about how sad my blog was, how I did not have a marriage, how my husband should not be a pastor, and how they suspected he must be hiding something more. Then something happened, they turned on me. They could not understand how I could air my dirty linen in public, how I could just put out there the intimate details of my distress. Some mentioned that they were from a different generation and they would never discuss things like this in public. I was hurt.

Someone mentioned that the younger generation was posting naked pictures of themselves on cell phones. Someone else remembered that I am a grandmother. Another one laughed and wondered if grandmothers were now posting naked pictures of themselves - and who would ever want one.

So in an effort to thank those on that forum for reading me and explain why I do this, I will attempt to explain why I post the intimate details on this blog, why I need to post on this blog. I have no one - absolutely no one (short of paying a hundred dollars an hour) who I can talk to about this. I have no best friend, no close friends, no family I want to confide in, no one to talk to about any of this. I have mentioned before that I do not want to ruin my husband's ministry, nor his relationship with our children or anyone in our family. I would not confide in anyone even if I could. That is not my intention.

Yes, I have talked to my husband about this - many times. He listens, he does not understand. I do not know how to make him understand. He needs to talk to someone. He needs to have someone other than me tell him how I hurt. He does not see it. He does not see the need. His desires are so low that it is hard for him to see that others have stronger needs. I do not think he is hiding anything - he is not having a physical affair - I am not in denial about this. I understand he confides in his coworker, his emotional affair, and is much more considerate of her than me. I hurt because of this, maybe as much as if he were having a physical affair. I am biding my time, only a few more months and he will be retired and away from her. I feel we can start anew. We have more good times than bad. I will not leave my husband. I am not a martyr.

That said, I write this blog as total release. We have all read about people who have been hurt and then go out to pose for Playboy or some such magazine. Apparently posing nude brings validation and cleasing to some people. Personally I can't see this. How can exposing your naked body to the eyes of everyone (do they not realize their fathers might see this) be an acceptable release for anyone. And, if you were to see me you would immediately say "thank God she writes instead of posing nude". But then how many of you have a good enough body to even think about nude pictures. So writing becomes my posing nude. Aren't you glad.

I have tried to do this with as much anonymity as possible so that no one knows who I am, or who my husband is. I do this for my sanity. It has been a great comfort to me. It has enabled me to release the little things and sort out the big things that are wrong in my life. Some of you have helped me enormously and have also walked in my shoes. I sincerely hope you understand and continue to read, but will understand if I am too personal for some of you. I pray you have a husband who understands and works on making changes where they are needed. I pray you understand when he wants you to change. Mostly I pray than no one has to walk as I do, never feeling good enough, loved enough, or cherished as God intended. I pray you have a "and the two shall become one" kind of marriage.

You Might Be Surprised

With all the complaining and venting I have done on this blog, you might be surprised to know that for the most part I like my life. I am contented. I have more good times and peace than bad times and anxiety. I like the material things that I have but especially that I are not encumbered by material things. I like my house, the cars, I have more than enough clothes and that I buy them for comfort and not for style. I even like the dog though I am less a dog person than she is a person dog. I love my children and the grandchildren. I love nothing more than having my entire family around the dinner table so that I can just hear them. I love the laughter, the joy, and the blessing of just having them near. I love my husband. Surprised? I do, I really, really do. He is a wonderful man. He brings me profound happiness - most of the time.

He thinks we are fine. He thinks that because he does not have physical needs, I don't either. He says he does not realize that he tenses up just slightly when we touch. He will touch me and snuggle with me but does not know that he touches me with qualifications. He will hold me around the middle but not allow his hands to go up or down to more intimate areas and if they do, he moves away quickly. He will not allow me to touch him - grabbing my hands if they appear to be headed toward his protected parts - not realizing I have not headed in that direction for many years. He is very attentive in public, but stops abruptly when we are alone. He does not think that his not confiding in me is a problem. He thinks keeping things from me is okay. He thinks its okay for me to find out things second hand or not at all. He will share his money with me if I ask, I never ask, but I do not have access to it on my own. He pays his bills, I pay mine. I could give you stories but I am sure you get the picture.

I have learned to go without. I accept what he gives me. I try not to complain too much - mainly because I have realized after all these years that we have had this same conversation a thousand times, that we will have this same conversation again, and again. If he has not changed by this time, I do not know how to change him. I can only change myself.

At the moment things are pretty normal. He is okay. I am not. We fought this week, he said he was sorry - that he did not realized he hurt me - that he did not intend to hurt me - that he would not hurt me for the world. Yet he does. He will again. Nothing will change.