Monday, May 17, 2010

Is This My Playboy Photo Shoot?

I went looking for myself this other day. I googled midohiopw just to see what I could find. Imagine my surprise when I found that I could be googled. They asked if I really meant mid ohio. I thought, "of course not, I know what I meant!" There were three pages of "hits" and most of them were for this blog. However, there was one that caught my eye. It was a forum and they were talking about my blog. I was surprised, I was flattered. Me, little old me, a source of interest to others. They started out talking about how sad my blog was, how I did not have a marriage, how my husband should not be a pastor, and how they suspected he must be hiding something more. Then something happened, they turned on me. They could not understand how I could air my dirty linen in public, how I could just put out there the intimate details of my distress. Some mentioned that they were from a different generation and they would never discuss things like this in public. I was hurt.

Someone mentioned that the younger generation was posting naked pictures of themselves on cell phones. Someone else remembered that I am a grandmother. Another one laughed and wondered if grandmothers were now posting naked pictures of themselves - and who would ever want one.

So in an effort to thank those on that forum for reading me and explain why I do this, I will attempt to explain why I post the intimate details on this blog, why I need to post on this blog. I have no one - absolutely no one (short of paying a hundred dollars an hour) who I can talk to about this. I have no best friend, no close friends, no family I want to confide in, no one to talk to about any of this. I have mentioned before that I do not want to ruin my husband's ministry, nor his relationship with our children or anyone in our family. I would not confide in anyone even if I could. That is not my intention.

Yes, I have talked to my husband about this - many times. He listens, he does not understand. I do not know how to make him understand. He needs to talk to someone. He needs to have someone other than me tell him how I hurt. He does not see it. He does not see the need. His desires are so low that it is hard for him to see that others have stronger needs. I do not think he is hiding anything - he is not having a physical affair - I am not in denial about this. I understand he confides in his coworker, his emotional affair, and is much more considerate of her than me. I hurt because of this, maybe as much as if he were having a physical affair. I am biding my time, only a few more months and he will be retired and away from her. I feel we can start anew. We have more good times than bad. I will not leave my husband. I am not a martyr.

That said, I write this blog as total release. We have all read about people who have been hurt and then go out to pose for Playboy or some such magazine. Apparently posing nude brings validation and cleasing to some people. Personally I can't see this. How can exposing your naked body to the eyes of everyone (do they not realize their fathers might see this) be an acceptable release for anyone. And, if you were to see me you would immediately say "thank God she writes instead of posing nude". But then how many of you have a good enough body to even think about nude pictures. So writing becomes my posing nude. Aren't you glad.

I have tried to do this with as much anonymity as possible so that no one knows who I am, or who my husband is. I do this for my sanity. It has been a great comfort to me. It has enabled me to release the little things and sort out the big things that are wrong in my life. Some of you have helped me enormously and have also walked in my shoes. I sincerely hope you understand and continue to read, but will understand if I am too personal for some of you. I pray you have a husband who understands and works on making changes where they are needed. I pray you understand when he wants you to change. Mostly I pray than no one has to walk as I do, never feeling good enough, loved enough, or cherished as God intended. I pray you have a "and the two shall become one" kind of marriage.


  1. I understand the need for anonymity in blogging.

    I also understand what it's like to have another message board talk about you. But I don't read what they write.

    Keep writing. Stay strong. Writing is good for the soul. You're being prayed for by people you don't know and yet who care about you.

  2. Thank you so much. I did notice that you were also mentioned on their board. This writing has been so good for me. It has helped me let go and not hold so much inside of me that it grows and grows and then explodes. I appreciate your comments.

  3. Hi Midohiopw,

    I'm a member of that discussion board... I didn't post on or read the whole thread about your blog, but I was there when it started, which is how I know about your blog. I stay on that board because I've met several wonderful, godly people there who are supportive and prayerful... but, there are quite a few cranky folks on that board too.

    I'm sorry the discussion ended up turning against you, but I'm really not surprised, unfortunately. If there is one truth about that discussion board, it is that EVERYONE has a strong opinion, and EVERYONE feels like you have a right to hear their opinion. :) I actually avoided that thread largely because I thought the discussion might turn ugly, and I didn't want to read it.

    I want you to know I hurt for you and your situation. I understand completely how isolated the pastor and his immediate family can feel in certain settings/situations (Dimessdale, I'm reading your blog too, and I do understand a lot of where you come from as well). I pray for you to find a real person you can confide in, though I know that can be difficult for a pastor's wife... after all, no one wants to hear you complain about their PASTOR, right? I'm know that writing can be a wonderful outlet for these feelings, but you need someone you can see and feel to be with you in these moments, and I'm praying that for you.

    Be well, and keep blogging, if you need to... don't let the cranky folks on that discussion board get you down. They're cranky about everything, so try not to take it personally. Again, I'm praying for you.

  4. Thank you anonymous. You have been a great help to me. I appreciate your comments and I really wasn't too upset over the forum, at least they were reading my blog and most of them were supportive. For the most part I am a very private person - hence the anonymity of my blog. If I were to find someone "up close and personal" to confide it, it would have to be someone who did not know anyone else in my family. On top of everything else, I am an overly protective wife, mother, grandmother, etc. I would never want anyone to harbor ill feelings against my family. Kind of puts me between a rock and hard place as they say. Anyway, thank you, and all of you who read this. You have all been a blessing to me.

  5. hi I just found you blog and I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with your posting your hurts. I'm glad you are keeping it anonymous for yours and your family's sake but girl let it out. Vent away. I will be praying for you and your husband and your family.

    I haven't read all of your blog but the gist I get from it is that you are hurt, you have been hurt and you just don't see the hurt going away. Hang in there girl....there has got to be a brighter side. Remember there is somebody out there that loves you very very very much and can bring you more satisfaction that any human can - Jesus.

    On another note I want to personally thank you for posting about how hurt it makes you feel when your husband doesn't initate love making. I have a tendency to not intiate it at all and this month we went a whole month without being together at all...and at best it's only two or three times a month. I know my husband feels put out by this but he's patient with me and loves me regardless....but your post has awakened my senses to his side of things so thank you. Because you posted this I am going to try to start going to bed at the same time as my husband does...hoping this will help in that matter somehow.

    Keep on keeping on. If you need an ear to listen I am here and I can send you my email address if you are interested. I too am a pastor's wife. We were pastoring in a big church but now are church planting which is sometimes more difficult. :)

    Praying for you!

  6. Thank you Luv - it means a lot to me to have someone who understands why I write what I do. And I am happy I have helped you see "the other side" of a lack of intimacy. For me it is less that he has a problem and more that he is unwilling to do anything about. So it makes me glad that you are willing to work on this and that your marriage will be enriched by your closeness. Thank you.